Thoughts...

For those who don't know. I lost a friend not too long ago to suicide. It was really hard on me and something i never ever expected, especially from her. I spent a long time trying to figure out why she did it... What happened. And one day... after being in a really good mood, i wrote this. I guess it what went through her head from an outside point of view. I am not encouraging suicide... just stepping in to another person's shoes.

Why was this happening? What was going on? How could this happen? Where did the time go? When did things change? What? Where? When? Why? How? She wanted to scream. She wanted to throw her pillow across the room. She wanted to look in the dirty mirror and make it shatter into a million pieces. She wanted to feel the heat rise from her body. She wanted to be angry. She wanted to. Be angry? Why couldn’t she be angry? She was too weak to be angry. Too weak she thought. That must be the reason. She was always too weak. Obviously. Now this proved it. How could she let this happen? She knew the answer. It was the same every time. She was too weak. Always too weak! She was ALWAYS too weak! She was too weak to stop this from happening. Too weak to keep herself together. Too weak not to be hurt. Too weak to be angry. Oh how she wished she could be angry. And in her heart she knew why. She wanted to be angry so that in her mind this wouldn’t be her fault. She wanted to be angry so she could feel powerful. She wanted to be angry so she wouldn’t be so weak. She wanted to be angry so that she wouldn’t feel the hurt. She wouldn’t feel the pain.

Oh, but she felt it all too well. She felt it through every inch of her body. It took over her every bone, every nerve. And suddenly she was on the floor. Crying before she even realized she was. The tears streaked her face. They stroked her cheeks gently as if telling her that it was okay they were there. She wiped them away, cursing at herself quietly. But soon she found she must wipe them again. And again. And again. Would they ever end? When would it stop? Couldn’t they leave her alone? It was like an audience watching her misery. Did the tears really have to come? Must they be there? Watching her. Watching her weakness. Watching her every move. She told them to leave. But quietly they crept back every time. Peaking in from every corner of the room. She must be going crazy. Surely this wasn’t happening. Yet every time she blinked her eyes, she saw them. She wiped them away frantically, hoping they wouldn’t come back. But they did. They always did. They always came back.

“So that’s what they mean,” she thought. That’s what they mean. “Takes over your head.” they’d always tell her. And she’d laugh at the insanity of it all. She wasn’t laughing now. She wasn’t smiling either. Her heart wasn’t aloft. Floating around like a cloud. Flamboyant in the water. No. Now the clouds poured out rain. Her heart sunk. It didn’t stay above water. Drowning. That’s what she was. Drowning. And she couldn’t stop it. She couldn’t keep the water away. It covered her. And her limbs were soon stiff. She couldn’t move. She’d always been the best swimmer. Had been. Not anymore. Nothing was the same. NOTHING.

She wanted to be away from this place. Out of the water. Away from her audience. She wanted to escape to far off place where there was no one for miles around. Not even her tears would stand by and watch her. They’d be bored too quickly there. They would soon have to leave and go back to where they came from to immerse in society again. Yes, but not her. She would stay there. Forever. By herself. Alone. It sounded good. It sounded all too good. Good. That was a change. So it must be right. It must be the thing to do. And she would seek that place. Go there. And no one could stop her.

Blog #1

I have nothing to post at the moment. Please dial 1 for more options....

Well hello there friend. Its nice to meet you. This is Lexie. DO NOT PANIC!!!! Posts will be coming soon to theatres. Just kidding. But seriously, I will begin posting shortly.

Most of them will be creative writing, poems, or lyrics. DO NOT STEAL!!!! Please. This is my hard work and effort I have put into creating these beautiful words. Don't take that away...

Well thanks for your patience. While you are waiting for the posts, go check out my other blog "Lexie {365}" You'll like it. I promise ;)